Changes

Blair and I became parents of two beautiful children a little over two months ago. Things have most definitely changed for the better but it's also 100% more difficult than we imagined it would be.

Gavin is almost 3 and is smart, bright, charming and so sweet. He has also, in the last 2 months, become manipulative, whiny, and simply cries for any or no reason at all. He's stopped sleeping through the night. He throws tantrums. He sasses us and I cannot stand it. Where is my sweet, adorable, thoughtful little boy??

These last two months have been so difficult. We are ridiculously sleep deprived and it makes handling Gavin's behavior so much harder. He's stopped playing on his own and is now constantly clawing for attention. This makes me sad too. I feel like I can relate at least a little to his feelings, I was 4 when my little brother came and less than thrilled that he was now the center of attention. The first night home with Lucy, Gavin had a meltdown around 2am. He was so confused and wanted Lucy out. I ended up holding him while we both cried. I just ache for him. I ache for the relationship that we had before Lucy came. I knew the change would hard on him, I really did. But I was also pretty confident that we could explain things to him and he would understand. He is unreasonable almost all of the time now and I don't know what to do. I guess all we can hope for is that time will help him. I hope that as Lucy grows and becomes more interactive, more responsive to him, that he'll love her and want to be near her.

The stress of all this has almost been more than I can handle. Poor Blair has had to try and console 2 crying kids as well as a crying wife many many times in the last little while. I'm so grateful for him. He's up in the middle of night with one or both of them even if he's got school in the morning. He takes over when he gets home and lets me nap. He cooks and cleans and is just simply amazing. I am so blessed to be his wife.

The weeks have been long and difficult since Lucy has come. I feel like I am constantly turning to prayer and I also feel like I am constantly not being heard. We had General Conference a few weeks ago and what was one of the first talks given? "Fear Not I Am with Thee" by Sister Jean A. Stevens. It's a fabulous talk and it was absolutely meant for me. In it she says - 

"...not every prayer is answered so quickly. But truly our Father knows us and hears the pleadings of our hearts. He accomplishes His miracles one prayer at a time, one person at a time.We can trust that He will help us, not necessarily in the way we want but in the way that will best help us to grow. Submitting our will to His may be difficult, but it is essential to becoming like Him and finding the peace He offers us."

I know that my prayers are being heard, even if they're not answered in the way I had hoped. I've drawn closer to Him and to Blair through all of this and I'm so very grateful.

Gavin shows us little bits of his old self every now and then. He'll tease us by calling us different names. He'll jump at the chance to help us with Lucy and he'll even come over and give her a kiss. It gives us hope that he'll get back to being happy and will hopefully love his little sister. Until then we have to take each day as it comes and just be so grateful that we've been blessed to be parents.